How Cultures Around the World Think About Parenting不同文化育儿面面观

The crisis of American parenting is that nobody knows what the hell they’re doing. Many American parents seek the advice of expert after expert in the field in order to succeed at one goal： to raise the happiest， the most successful， and the most well-adjusted leaders of the future.

美国式育儿的危机在于，没人知道父母们究竟在做什么：众多美国父母满世界寻求专家建议，意在实现一个目标——培养出一等幸福、顶级成功、最具适应力的未来领导者。

But what dangers lay in thinking that there is one “right” way to parent？ How much of how we parent is actually dictated by our culture？ How do the ways we parent express the essentialness of who we are， as a nation？

但执着于一种“正确”的育儿套路，会面临哪些危险？文化究竟在多大程度上左右着我们的育儿方式？育儿方式又如何反映我们的民族特质？

In reporting her book All Joy and No Fun： The Paradox of Modern Parenthood1， says Jennifer Senior， when she asked mothers who they went to for parenting advice， they named friends， websites and books. None named their own mothers. Only the most current child-rearing strategies were desired， in order to best position their children for achievement in the future.

詹妮弗·西尼尔在推介自己的新书《所有的幸与不幸：现代亲子悖论》时说，她曾问过妈妈们，碰到育儿问题，她们向谁求教？答案是朋友、网站和书本，却没人提自己的母亲。为了让子女占据有利位置以在未来取得成功，她们只追最新的育儿秘笈。

In other words， that which is most American about us—our belief that the future is unwritten—is what is driving us mad as parents.

换句话说，美国人相信未来并非命定，这一观念是美国人最突出的特性，也是让美国父母在育儿上如此抓狂的原因。

“You don’t see the handwringing in other places around the world，” says Christine Gross-Loh， author of Parenting Without Borders. “People understand that there is a way to do things.”

“在世界其他地方，见不到这种极端的育儿焦虑。”《育儿无国界》的作者克里斯蒂娜·格罗斯-洛感叹道，“人们都明白，船到桥头自然直。”

In Norway， childhood is strongly institutionalized， says Norwegian sociologist and economist Margunn Bjornholt. Indeed， most children enter state-sponsored daycare at 1 year old （parents first get almost a full year of state-sponsored leave from work）， then enter school and organized activities.

挪威社会学家、经济学家马尔贡·比约恩霍尔特说，挪威人的童年高度圈养化。确实如此，多数孩子一岁进公立日托（父母先享有近一整年的国家付薪产假），然后升入小学并参加各类团体活动。

Norwegians believe that it is better for children to be in daycare as toddlers. At daycare， methods reflect the country’s fetishistic dedication to fresh air. So even in Oslo， where arguably the indoor air quality is fresher， and even in Scandinavian2 winters， children are bundled up and taken outside to nap in their strollers.

挪威人认为，幼儿刚会走路时就送进日托比较好。日托的一些育儿方法反映出，挪威人对新鲜空气极度痴迷。所以，即使在奥斯陆这个按理室内空气质量优于室外的城市，甚至在斯堪的纳维亚寒冷的冬季，也能看到孩子们被裹得严严实实带到户外，在婴儿车里小睡。

Craziness？ Culture. In Japan， where Gross-Loh lives part of the year， she lets her 4-year-old daughter run errands with her 7-year-old sister and 11-year-old brother—without parental supervision. Her kids don’t hesitate to take the Tokyo subways by themselves and walk on busy streets alone， just like their Japanese peers. But when she comes back to the States， Gross-Loh doesn’t allow the same.

疯狂吧？这就是文化。格罗斯-洛每年都在日本居住一段时间，她会让4岁的女儿跟着7岁的姐姐和11岁的哥哥一起去当小跑腿，家长也不看着。就跟日本的同龄孩子一样，兄妹三人自己乘坐东京的地铁，自己独自走在熙熙攘攘的大街上，一点不犯怵。但是一回美国，她就不会让孩子们这么做。

“If I let them out on their own like that in the U.S.， I wouldn’t just get strange looks，” she says. “Somebody would call Child Protective Services.”

“要是我在美国让孩子这样独自出门，不只会收到别人的异样目光，还会有人给儿童保护服务局打电话。”她说。

Both in Japan and Norway， parents are focused on cultivating independ-ence. Children do things alone early， whether it’s walking to school or to the movies. The frames， however， are different. In Scandinavia， there is an emphasis on a democratic relationship between parents and children. In Sweden especially， the “rights” of a child are important. For example， a child has the “right” to access their parents’ bodies for comfort， and therefore should be allowed into their parents’ bed with them in the middle of the night. If a parent doesn’t allow them， they are both denying them their rights and being a neglectful parent. In parts of Asia， meanwhile， co-sleeping with a family member through late childhood is common. Korean parents spend more time holding their babies and having physical contact than most. But within a family， obedience is key—not democracy.

在日本和挪威，父母都注重培养孩子的独立性——孩子从小独立做事，不论是步行上学还是去看电影——但两种体系又有区别。斯堪的纳维亚地区强调民主的亲子关系，特别是在瑞典，孩子的“权利”很重要。比如，孩子有“权利”依偎在父母身边寻求安慰，所以半夜应被允许上父母的床。父母不让的话，就是剥夺孩子权利、不管孩子。在亚洲一些地区，挺大的孩子与家庭成员同睡很常见。在韩国，父母抱孩子和与孩子身体接触的时间比大多数国家的父母要长，但关起门来，服从——而非民主——才是关键。

In Jewish tradition， says Wendy Mogel， a clinical psychologist and author of The Blessing of a B Minus： Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers， there’s a teaching in the Talmud3 that every parent has an obligation to teach their child how to swim.

临床心理医生温迪·莫格尔是《中等偏下的好处：听犹太真言，养皮实孩子》一书的作者。她说，犹太人遵从《塔木德》的一条教诲：做父母的，都有责任让孩子学会泅水。

“We’re supposed to be raising our children to leave us，” she says. “They must develop self-reliance and resourcefulness and resilience， which is a challenge， because we must allow our children to make mistakes.”

“犹太人养育子女是期望他们未来离家可以独立生活，孩子必须自立、善应变、有韧性，这不容易，因为我们必须允许孩子犯错。”她说。

This is enormously hard for American parents to do. “Parents are genuinely anxious about really big things like the melting ice caps and collapsing economy and the unending4 stories about violence and predators5 and college admissions，” says Mogel. “They displace all of these fears of things they can’t control onto the one thing they believe they can control， which is children.”