多样描写，增强故事张力

【问题导读】

读后续写主要考查考生续写出好故事的能力，而要想续写出一个好的故事，除了要有符合原文风格且逻辑合理的情节构思，还要有对故事的细节的描写。故事的情节正如文章这棵大树的主干，而对细节的描写则是大树的枝叶。大树有枝又有叶，才可能是一棵完整的、美丽的大树。文章情节合理、细节描写生动传神，才可能是一篇好的文章。多样的、精彩的描写才能造就一个引人入胜的故事。那么，我们怎么才能叙述好一个故事呢？

【名师导学】

1. 描写可以分为动作描写、心理描写和场景描写等。我们在叙述故事的过程中，要根据故事的发展和情景的需要，从心理、动作和场景等方面进行合理的、生动的描写。

2. 在进行细节描写的时候，要注意多样性。我们既要照顾到信息的各个层面，如动作、心理、场景等，又要注意词汇和句子结构的多样性。

3. 在描写的过程中，我们可以用生动的词汇和高级句式结构，同时也要适当使用修辞手法，如拟人、比喻等。

【案例导引】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

I have a good neighbor， whose name is Nick. He is tall and warm-hearted. About a half-mile behind our Minnesota farm lay a little pond. In summer， my brother Harry and I would run through a stand of oak trees to skip stones there. The little pond wore a collar of black mud. It was not a place for swimming.

In late summer， the pond would be covered by a green and bubbly scum（起泡的浮垢）. Sometimes a strong， unpleasant smell rose from it. We stayed away.

When winter came， the pond was once again an inviting place. One day when ice covered it， Harry said to me， “Try walking across.”

The ice looked solid. No water showed through it， but I hesitated. “Go ahead，” Harry urged. “Try it. You're lighter than I am. If the ice holds， we can run and slide carefully on it. It'll be fun.” I wanted to please Harry， and I thought about the fun of a long slide on the ice. I began to slide across the pond.

In the middle of the pond， the ice gave way to a sudden crack（裂缝）！ I stretched out（伸展） my arms. The next thing I knew was that I was hanging on to the edge of a hole in the ice by arms outstretched on the ice. From my shoulders down I hung in icy water. I thought of the bottom of the pond. I knew it would be black and awful down there， full of mud and maybe rotting creatures.

I tried to climb out of the hole， but when I got a knee on the ice， it broke like window glass. Again and again I tried to get out. Again and again the ice broke into pieces. The hole widened. I was wearing a coat of heavy material. As it became completely wet， it dragged me down. I was tired of the struggle and rested with my arms stretched out on the ice.

I looked at Harry on shore. He seemed rooted to the spot. “I can't get out！” I screamed when I caught some breath. （选材改编自2020年浙江省十校联考）

注意：

1. 所续写短文的词数应为150左右;

2. 续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好。

Paragraph 1：

Harry turned and ran away from the pond.   _______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Paragraph 2：

Mum was shocked to see us come back in such a mess.  ________________________________________________________________________________

一、原文写作特点分析

本文是利用细节描写来展现故事张力的比较典型的文章。文章的故事结构很简单。开篇的场景描写简单地描述了“我”家农场附近的池塘的基本情况。文章的主要内容是“我”在哥哥的怂恿下尝试在结冰的池塘上滑冰，却不幸掉进了冰窟窿。文章主要对“我”掉进冰窟窿时的惊恐心理和挣扎着要爬出来的情景和动作进行了描写。文章用多种描写充分展示了“我”掉进冰窟窿时惊恐的心理状态、试图爬出来时行动的艰难，以及冬天的寒冷场景。所以，本文很好地展示了描写在故事叙述中的重要作用。同时，本文也用了一系列的修辞手法。

1. 场景描写

a stand of oak trees 一片橡树林

The pond would be covered by a green and bubbly scum. 池塘会被绿色的泡沫状浮垢覆盖。

In the middle of the pond， the ice gave way to a sudden crack！ 在池塘中央，冰突然裂开了！

2. 动作描写

I stretched out my arms. 我伸出我的胳膊。

I was hanging on to the edge of a hole in the ice by arms outstretched on the ice. 我伸开双臂，紧紧抓住冰面上一个洞口的边缘。

I was tired of the struggle and rested with my arms stretched out on the ice. 我挣扎得累了，把双臂摊开在冰面上休息。

3. 心理描写

No water showed through it， but I hesitated. 从冰面上看不到水，但是我还是犹豫了。

I wanted to please Harry， and I thought about the fun of a long slide on the ice. 我想取悦哈里，我还想到了在冰面上滑一长段距离的乐趣。

4. 拟人的修辞手法

The pond wore a collar of black mud. 池塘边上有一圈黑泥。（池塘戴着黑泥领子。）

5. 比喻的修辞手法

When I got a knee on the ice， it broke like window glass. 当我的膝盖碰到冰时，它像窗户玻璃一样碎了。

6. 排比的修辞手法

Again and again I tried to get out. Again and again the ice broke into pieces. 我一次又一次地想出去。冰一次又一次地裂成碎片。

二、续写故事设计

根据原文故事结尾的句子“I looked at Harry on shore. He seemed rooted to the spot. ‘I can't get out！’ I screamed when I caught some breath.”可知，由于事发突然，哈里非常惊恐，以至于不知所措，呆呆地站在原地。“我”对他大声叫喊求救。

根据续写第一段的段首句“Harry turned and ran away from the pond.”和续写第二段的段首句“Mum was shocked to see us come back in such a mess.”可知，听到“我”向他求救，哈里反而跑离了池塘，而续写第二段是“我”从冰窟窿里逃离了出来。

那么续写的第一段中“我”应该逃出了冰窟窿。根据情节的发展，续写第一段的主要内容是“我”逃出冰窟窿的过程。那么我们应该怎么设计呢？

根据续写第二段的段首句，本段应该主要描述“我”和哈里湿淋淋地回到家之后妈妈的反应和处理方式，以及“我”和哈里的反思等信息。

三、续写多样描写设计

第一段中，哈里转身跑走了，那么，此时描写的重点：

1. “我”的心理变化（惊恐、害怕、绝望、无助等）

e.g. Staring at his familiar figure out of sight， dismay and scare made my heart sink. 看着他那熟悉的身影远去，惊愕和恐惧使我的心沉了下去。

e.g. After what seemed to be centuries of fruitless waiting， I was on the edge of collapse. 在似乎几个世纪毫无结果的等待之后，我已经处于崩溃的边缘。

2. “我”的动作（看到哈里离开之后，“我”在惊恐中会怎么做）

e.g. I was anxious to climb out by myself， but countless previous failures froze me from struggling again. 我渴望自己爬出来，但之前无数次的失败使我无法再挣扎。

3. 哈里返回（哈里怎么来的）