The He-Bear公熊出没

I was a guest in the palatial country cottage of a Russian Countess while certain financial puzzles were being teased apart in London. A simple rest cure for overtaxed nerves necessitated that I force myself to swallow prescriptions of sea air， the Bolshoi1 Ballet， and breakfasts in bed of poached2 Fabergé eggs.

我在俄罗斯一位伯爵夫人富丽堂皇的乡村别墅里做客，当时在伦敦还有一些财务问题尚未厘清。要通过简单的休息调整来舒缓过度紧张的神经，我必须强迫自己大口呼吸海边的空气，观看大剧院芭蕾舞团的演出，赖在床上把水煮彩蛋当早饭吃。

And yet this afternoon I was not reposing3 in the pedicured garden of the Countess’s villa， but stumbling through the woods of a hairy little mountain known locally as the Czar’s Pate with Alois， another of the Countess’s guests. The artless architectural painter had been at the villa an unknown duration longer than I， and it is not impossible that the Countess recommended our excursion for her own sake rather than ours—but to suspect that sweet old lady of such shrewdness4 would suggest a Slavic capacity for torture at a degree not recognized since Ivan the Terrible.

不过今天下午，我没在伯爵夫人的花园里歇着放松双脚，而是深一脚浅一脚走在了山林之间。这座小山草木疏疏朗朗，当地人称之为“沙皇的脑瓜”。与我同行的名叫阿洛伊斯，是一位单纯直率的画家，专画建筑物。他也是伯爵夫人的客人，不知何时来到别墅的，反正比我早。伯爵夫人提议我们结伴远足可能纯粹是为了她自己，根本不是为我俩考虑。但如果认定这一切都是这位善良老太太精心策划的，那她折磨人的能力真是堪比斯拉夫人，自暴君伊凡四世之后尚无人能敌。

The sun in her splendour shone her radiant face on all creation， thawing5 frozen lakes and misers6’ hearts， nursing the winter wheat from the sleeping soil， turning the marigolds’ heads in humble worship， and turning the back of my neck to roast beef. Because I had once stolen a newspaper from my neighbor at the London Rhopalic Club， or some other indiscretion7 remembered only by my personal devil， my guide possessed， and shamelessly abused， a small Czech accordion which apparently permitted only two different tunes—“Ach， Du Lieber Augustin” was the first， and the second， to quote Alois’s toothy witticism， “isn’t.”

夺目的太阳光芒四射，普照万物，融化了冰封的湖面和不幸之人的内心，滋养了扎根在尚未苏醒的土壤里的冬小麦，晒得万寿菊毕恭毕敬地面朝太阳，晒得我后脖颈变成了烤牛肉。难道是因为我以前在伦敦楔形诗俱乐部偷过隔壁的一张报纸，或是其他一些只有我自己知道的龌龊勾当，眼下我这向导就拿着他那把小型捷克手风琴恬不知耻地乱弹一气折磨我，不过显然他只会两首曲子，第一首是《噢，亲爱的奥古斯丁》，至于第二首，阿洛伊斯嘴巴一咧，龇着牙，狡黠地说，“不是《噢，亲爱的奥古斯丁》。”

My eyes assaulted by sun， my ears by the screeching squeezebox， and my flesh by the harmonizing gadflies， I cherished my few senses， until those too came under dire. Stopping to rest in a small clearing， Alois withdrew from his hiking pack， like an Israelite priest revealing the Covenant8， a string of smoked herrings for his reeking9 luncheon.

烈日炎炎照得我睁不开眼，手风琴吱嘎怪叫刺痛我的双耳，连牛虻也嘤嘤嗡嗡地来给配和声，叮咬着我的皮肤。我想要好好保护仅剩下的嗅觉和味觉，可惜连它们也惨遭不幸。我们在一小块空地上停下来休息，阿洛伊斯就像一个以色列祭司展示约书一般，从登山包里掏出一串熏鲱鱼——他午餐就吃这臭烘烘的东西。

As it happens， I do not care for smoked herrings. As it happens， however， some others do： Alois， for one， and also the Russian brown bear. The latter stumbled in from the bushes at the edge of the clearing like the Red Knight making his grand entrance at a Christmas masque. More than anything， however， the interloper10 possessed an uncanny resemblance to my great-aunt Lady Athanasia， who possesses an ill-fitting fur coat and， after a certain quantity of brandy， lopes almost identically.

而我呢，恰恰不喜欢熏鲱鱼；可偏偏呢，有人喜欢：阿洛伊斯算一个；还有一个——就是那只俄罗斯棕熊。它跌跌撞撞地穿过灌木丛，来到我们这片空地的边缘，那模样俨然红骑士闪耀现身圣诞节化装舞会。最关键的是，这位不速之客居然跟我的姨婆阿萨纳西亚夫人惊人地相似。姨婆有一件不合身的裘皮大衣，几杯白兰地下肚，她踱着大步走路的样子活脱脱就像这只棕熊。

The bear peeled11 back its black lips to bare its arsenal12 of teeth the size of chessmen and reared up on its hind legs to the height of a lamppost， looking hugely changed from its relatively benign appearance on the arms stamped on the Countess’s letterhead. Even at her most fearsome， as when she discovered the butler13 nipping at the brandy， Aunt Athanasia did not achieve quite this level of ferocity.

嘴唇黑黑的棕熊咧开嘴，露出凶器——棋子一般大小的牙齿，后腿直立，站起身来，足有路灯那么高。伯爵夫人信头所印纹章上的那只熊看起来很温和，和眼前这只可是截然不同。而阿萨纳西亚姨婆，就算是她最吓人的时候，也就是她发现管家偷喝白兰地的时候，也远不如这只棕熊这般凶狠。

The protocol for such encounters had been mentioned in passing in a penny novel14 I had once read set in the Canadian frontierland. “Quick！” I hissed to Alois. “If we back calmly out of the clearing together， we run much less risk of setting off the beast’s territorial instincts.” （I later realized I may have been thinking of the procedure for pacifying the Klondike Moose， but never- theless I maintain that my plan possessed pedigree.）

我以前读过一本以加拿大边境为背景的一便士惊悚小说，其中刚好提到一点关于此类邂逅的应对方案。“快！”我低声对阿洛伊斯说。“咱俩一起退出空地，别慌张，就不太会让这家伙觉得我们要侵犯它的领地。”（后来我才意识到，当时我脑子里想到的那些可能都是用来让克朗代克驼鹿平静下来的方法，不过至今我依然坚定地认为自己的办法不是凭空捏造的。）

There came no reply， and， worried the artist had fainted from fright， I turned just in time to see Alois’s hastily cast-off backpack falling to the earth as he ran at full speed through the clearing and out in an Alois-shaped hole in the shrubs， leaving me to fend for myself.

没人理我。我担心那位艺术家吓晕了，于是回头朝他看去，刚好看到他仓惶中扔下的背包落向地面，而他本人则开足马力穿过空地，拱进灌木丛，蜷缩在里面，只留下我一个人孤军作战。

Of course， I might have done the same thing had I been favored by fortune with a head start. But I didn’t， and a hypothetical insult cannot measure against the reality of one.

当然，我要是被好运眷顾，得以率先开溜，可能也会干出和阿洛伊斯一样的事。可我没那么干，而且凭空想出来的伤害可没法跟真实发生的相提并论。

Luckily， I had practice standing perfectly still from my days performing competitive tableaux vivants15 on the Ballyhoo quad， and had kept my hand in16 after being sent down by pretending not to be home when the vicar came round for tea. Unlike anything else I had absorbed in my school days， be it Greek or green chartreuse， this talent had not so soon passed from me. By immediately and with immense concentration impersonating the statue of Nelson in Dublin， I aimed to prevent myself having my arm torn off at the shoulder and thus improving the resemblance.